My name is Zander and I look forward to relaxing your mind and body. (Portland)

My name is Zander (like from 30 Rock) and I look forward to relaxing your mind and body. Please text me on 562-888-3248 or email me for an appointment. I will come to your home or hotel within a 45-minute radius. You are also welcome to come to my home. I provide lotions, oils and towels. I'm also offering a complementary glass of wine to help you relax. I'm in my 50's and a fat tub of lard. All boundaries are respected. I charge males $25 per hour and if you guess which country in Europe, I'm from you will get a free session. I also massage couples! Due to my busy schedule, I am not able to take bookings from single females. THIS is ok? You're ok with THIS? How dare you. Honestly, whatever.